I won't change my skin, just to fit your mood (chemicallyblu) wrote in valiant_blaze,
I won't change my skin, just to fit your mood

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Dancin in the sand

As a child Melanie walked thru clouds of gold, making her own rhythm in a life she was born to live. She knew she was born to be someone special, to make her days something more than they would have been without her in them. Melanie was artistic, sarcastic, Melodramatic, and alot of other words that had tic at the end. A rambling, wild child with a soulful free heart, Melanie, felt she could do anything, as if her dreams would carry her like wings thru this earth and out to the galaxy beyond the stars.

and she had for as long as she could remember. As a small child, she would marry off other girl's barbies and the boy's GI Joes (screw Ken, cause everyone knows he is really gay anyways). By the time Melanie was 10 she already had her dream wedding planned and had named her children the perfectic dreamer names, even if she had years before she would have them. Most night you could find Melanie in her box seat window wishing on stars, writing poetry and dreaming of life once she fell in love. Love was, according to Melanie, the best thing ever.. the most wonderful thing a person could hope for. She would often surround herself with movies of love, stories of true romance, tales of loves real agony, and books of sonnets.

Every person who showed her the slightest bit of interest she could easily convince herself she was mad over, love finally, and each one ended in heartache. Heartache that was soon overcome and Melanie would see that really, she hardly cared for these fly-by-night short time love affairs. If you can even call a week of dating in 5th grade, or some boy rushing 3 kisses to her lips under some tree hidden far from anyone else's view, love affairs. To Melanie though.. this was love, until it wasn't, then the next one would happen upon her.. and again.. it was love, til it wasn't. This was the way it was with Melanie (as it is with most young romantic girls) until she was 19. One night sitting in her local hangout with some friends, the most beautiful creature happened upon her site, an angel to her eyes if you will. Now I must explain that for a few years before this Melanie was pretty sure that not only was she not your average girl, she also didnt have your average girl's love of other not so average girls. You see Melanie was a "woman loving-same sex craving-love the one you love-and wildly fuck the one your with" kinda girl, and she was proud to be so. She just hadnt really had the right person to experience this life with yet, but oh yes she would someday.. she just had to wait, and wait she did. So back to the hangout and the angel before her eyes. Melanie happened to glance over her cup of coffee as the door opened, and in walked something unimaginably needed. The woman that on site stopped her heart. Melanie sat for what seemed like quite a few eternities and combed her brain for ways to approach such a creature. Just when she thought she would never come up with the right thing to say, the beautiful woman herself crossed past Melanies table on her way to somewhere in the back. Melanies eyes began to glaze over and she wasnt seeing correctly, like maybe she was seeing thru someone elses brain, from somewhere not here thats for fucks sake. Her brain went to mush and her lips wouldnt work, not only was this woman passing by, but she had stopped. She was talking to one of Melanie's friends. Here was Melanie's chance and she couldnt even focus enough to look at her, let alone get her brain and vocal chords to co-operate enough to work together and say anything.. even a simple hi. Instead Melanie just sat there like a tree stump with roots 10 miles deep. The angel went on her way where ever she was going and Melanie finally realized someone was talking to her, it was her friend Kate.. the one that knew the dream girl. Kate was saying something, and it took a moment or two for Melanie to get her head clear enough to listen. "That was Kim, we used to work together, shes gay you know" or something simular was all Melanie could understand. "Duh, like I couldnt tell already" was Melanie's reply. Then miraculously thru a series of events Melanie ended up exchanging numbers before it was time to leave, and a few days later then had their first date.

It was something simple, the way they met, the way Melanie fell in love. One day she just woke up and she was.. in love. There was no stars or fireworks, no rock bottom fall, just a simple love consuming her. It wasnt long before the two of them were everyone else's idea of something enchanting.. and they were.. enchanted with each other. It was a screw-the-rest-of-the-world if they cant handle us, no one exists but us anyways kind of life. They kissed and held each other, and had passion in every word, every emotion, every fight or touch.. and they did it in public or alone. They just lived for each other more often then not. As time went on they settled into a routine of loving and living and taking each day with the thoughts of the tomorrows that would come. They lived like this for years (for what seemed like lifetimes, (forever if you had asked them how long), fucking with passion, loving with passion, fighting with passion (most the time so they could fuck with passion to make up for it), until the fights and the wrongs they had done each other was too much for either of them to stand. Things had changed somehow in the process of what seemed like a lifetime together. Neither of them was the same anymore. Melanie awoke one day in the life they had together and looked at Kim and knew.. they wrongs that had taken place, the love that was there.. it wasnt the way it should be.. too many wrongs, too little love, she had grown up in the years that had been together and wanted a life that this romance just wasnt giving her. She realized they fought more often then they loved, and they had no real foundation on the love that they had once felt. Kim knew Melanie somedays even better than Melanie knew herself and visa versa, but was that enough? Melanie decided it wasnt, it couldnt be, she felt to alone in this life.. she felt as if her dreams had somehow been put down to rest like an old dog, or tossed out with last years trash. She looked at herself in the mirror and couldnt ignore what she had known for some time already.. Her and Kim just werent the people for each other that they needed to be. She tried to convince herself otherwise, tried to look for good, this was after all the love of her lifetime and she didnt believe she would find love again, not this strong, not this intense, not this all consuming. The next time they fought it was like all the rest, the same tired needs from both sides coming out in angry words, and red hot tears.. Melanie did the impossible and she broke it off.. her harsh words coming from pain, anger.. from broken dreams and promises. She had to make herself stick by it this time, this time they wouldnt just fall into each others wishes and words and back into each others arms.. NO MORE PROMISES that she knew would never be carried thru by either of them. She felt like she had been on deaths door and even death had rejected her. Lost love and broken hearts dont kill you, they just keep torturing you everyday into you kill yourself or you slowly get callouses on your heart.. or maybe you just distract yourself until you can move beyond the tears and pain and smile again at the sunrise. Everyday is still a new awakening.. Melanie is finding herself everyday in some new way.. the hurt is gone, the pain is on its way to moving out. Pain is no longer a part of the memories of her past life. Kim is still in her thoughts.. cause as anyone who has felt love knows.. First loves never really die, they are never really through, but today Melanie holds her head up high. Love doesnt feel the same for her, she doesnt dream in the same colors, or keep her wings spread so wide.. she guards her heart a little in ways she never has before, never knew she should. Melanie wonders what went wrong, and what they could have done differently, that doesnt however mean she wishes she could do it again. Her life with Kim is something behind her, something from a story she read that she identified a little to closely with, or a movie she has watched WAY to many times. She doesnt want Kim back, she enjoys herself as she is know, this journey has taught her more about herself then she could have learned any other way.

Melanie worked herself out, by herself, for herself. She has found someone new and is handling it differently. She is honest, trys not to jump loves gun, she speaks her mind and plays the reality card, she thinks things thru and has a wisdom that being in love once already has taught her. Melanie sees a love in this new person that she dreamt of as a child. Basic and simple and mind blowing at the same time. Old Baggage is hard to recover from, but she is working on it and thats the biggest step.

Now Melanie knows the things she just foolishly believed about herself as a child. She walkes thru clouds of gold, making her own rhythm in a life she was born to live. She knew she was born to be someone special, to make her days something more than they would have been without her in them. Melanie is artistic, sarcastic, Melodramatic, and alot of other words that had tic at the end. A rambling, wild child with a soulful free heart, Melanie, feels she can do anything, as if her dreams will carry her like wings thru this earth and out to the galaxy beyond the stars.
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